The Diary of Zim
by little girl-GROWN UP
Summary: Crack fic. You believe Zim wouldn't keep something like this? How wrong you are. Randomness and mentions of ZASR; plot will develop in the progress of writing. Rating may change as well. "Invader Zim" is the property of JV. R&R please
1. 10th January

_"Whatever this is called!_

_Today was a really poopy insane day, all because of the Dib! How could he dare to plot my latest plan to turn him into a remotely controlled robotic pseudo weasel?!  
CURSE YOU DIB, CURSE YOU!!_

_*ahem*_

_What was the brilliant mind of Zim going to write..?_

_Ah, yeah.  
My latest plan has been successful for the next step will be taken tomorrow. The next DOOM is going to rain about those stupid humans not expecting the offsprings of my ingenious mind!_

_Yes!_

_As for the other things, anyone who will ever inflict pain upon anything and anyone of Zim's property shall burn. Burn I say!_

_- Skoodge, not that one! Argh, NO. Put it away and get GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIR- *screams could be heard*"_

...the rest of the page was ripped out/burnt down.

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**A/N:  
**This all started with IB saying "Dib had found Zims secret diary." - She came up with the title as well.  
More to come, so please bear with me if you think this chapter sucked. I'm planning to come up with at least a little story line in later chaps *ahem* journal entries.


	2. 11th January

_"Paper page!_

_The release of the werebees has been a complete success!_ _They shall build up a hive below the Dib's sleeping quarters and suck out his and the other humans horrible disgusting_ blood_ while they're asleep, and eventually the only true RULER OF THE DIRTBALL PLANET shall stand above all those human cretins!_

_*ahem*_

_Did I say "RULER OF THE DIRTBALL PLANET"? Uh...NO. Of course I meant RULER OF THE UNIVERSE! **ZIM!**_

_Anyways,_ _after I cleaned Gir and Skoodge from the stains of the last explosion caused by Gir *shakes head*_ - _that__ robot - the lab has been cleaned up by them, and everything seems to be alright again._

_-_ _SILENCE! Don't you dare to question Zim, incompetent Skoodge! ZIM will always do what is pleasing him, and you have to be clean for- for- not being dirty! Now bring me the doughnuts!_

_NO, I won't undress myself Gir!!_

_Unless...fine, fine. *smirks*_

_ZIM shall do you this favour only if Skoodge is going to do the same!! *laughter*_

- *short time after that* -

_*holding the puffy cheek*_

_Skoodge shall never do that again, ever._

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**A/N:**  
Hi people ^______^  
As I promised to you, here's the update. Many thanks to **Dibgoth**, **IB**, **Summer & Hope** (Goofyannoyingkids) and **otherrealmwriter** for the reviews.  
Hope no one feels offended by the last lines (there will be a little continuity in the next one). It's all in your head! I didn't describe anything at all, and if you can't imagine...Skoodge whacked him for that comment.  
To the people who are interested in this: if you want to read the next entry be so kind and review for I will wait until someone said something...or nothing. Believe me, I can wait - wait and lmao on my own. So, please review! =3


	3. 20th January

_"Out of date storage medium!_

_The werebees failed...miserably! How could they be affected this easily by the earthian winter season is beyond me. Zim won't give up thought! Never, for he has already come up with a much better plan. *smirks* Preparation time for the bestest disguise ever. My subjects will follow Zim's every will! *evil grin then face is suddenly twisted with pain*_

_Foolish sewing needle, feel the wrath of ZIIIIIIM!!_

- *a little later* -

_*annoyed sigh*  
Gir! Shut down this...music, it's interfering with Zim's ingenious mind! NO! For Irks sake, how could you even come up with this kind of plan?!"_

...that day Gir had asked Zim and Skoodge to dance to the robot's favourite music - naked. Since there was no further reference, no one aside from the three of them know the truth.

* * *

**A/N:  
**Thanks to the reviewers **uplate** and **Dibgoth**! Sorry to blackmail the readers. I'm reviewing 90% of the stories I read, and then...there are lot's of people who don't review me T_____T In this situation you'd be sad as well, wouldn't you? Huh?  
Anyways, sorry for the last lines again. I think the next entry will be a bit different. Tell me if you want an update ^^ Pwease. Review. Thank you! =D


	4. 31th January

_"D-_

_Di-a-_

_Dia-rie._

_Dia...ry._

_Diary._

_Diary. Weird name.  
Or journal._

_Skoodge said it would be the right term; I don't care for the name at all._

_- Diary, you're a journal that has to prove its loyalty towards Zim!_

_The human education institution has announced a new assignment which of course will be no problem for my superior mind! The pitiful topic is 'Show and Tell' and will be done with presenting photographies of the Dib creatures last fail to inspect the plumbing the other night. *cackles* Good thing is that ZIM already thought of hiding Irken observation technology in the meatbag's house long ago. Long ago before the subject's tiny brain could even come up with such kind of idea of hiding cameras in Zim's base._

_The new disguise is almost done by now. Red, a colour that simply fits my greatness, it has to have some black dots on it as well. Those dots ruin the wonderful red!  
Furtunately the day of the new DOOM will be a holiday. The lazy self-proclaimed 'humans' merged those together much to Zim's convenience. This way the Dib-stink won't think of anything at all except for me being perfectly disguised for...your carnivorous activities. Meat is the ghost of your grandma!"_

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**A/N:  
**Another update..? Yes, indeed. I was in the mood to do so. Thanks for your review **Dibgoth** ^^  
Want another update? Please review, otherwise....yeah. We all wish for reviews, but don't review other people. That's my reasoning so don't be mad at me.  
Zim recorded Dib's leaking at night XD Sorry, I'm one of the Dib fans, but this was simply too funny, I laughed when I came up with it.  
Anyways, good night. Sleep well =3


	5. 3rd February

_"Dia...ry._

_I don't know why I keep writing this but lets skip that part for now._

_The reaction of all the other human assistance monkeys called 'classmates' was priceless. The Dib won't underestimate ZIM again! While I am at it, Zim does not see any benefit from the human 'toilets'; they shall be destroyed to teach the inhabitants to stay as clean as Irkens. Well, there are still many other things to accomplish. Humans are such retarded beings, the mere thought of them reaching Irken standards is a blasphemy to the Tallests!_

_On with...other things now.  
The wheather is still cold which is *shudders* The coldness shall stay outside the base!  
Or is this just another poor attempt of the Dib-stink for retaliation? How sad...fix the heating Skoodge! Zim shall do other things in the meantime - things of significant importance like *grits teeth* Yes Zim shall take a bath now in preparation of the great day. And because Zim is clean unlike humans! No soap in the world will ever completely clean one of those creatures."_

...after writing these lines Zim grabbed his sqeaking doughtnut and a towel eventually taking a bath.

* * *

**A/N:**  
Yay! Many thanks to **uplate**. Expect another update soon ^^  
In the meantime, enjoy a funny Red & Purple scene at "I gots one-shots" (Gawd this one keeps me *lmao* - "edible paper" XD)  
Actually...I like to imagine...uh...yeah.  
Who likes fluff as much as I do?


	6. 4th February

_"*sniff*_

_What the...something's going horribly wrong, and I don't only mean Skoodge's fail to fix the heating - it's unlike every thing Zim has experienced so far._

_It's- terribly cold, so cold I cannot stay warm on my own, plus this throbbing pain in the head, not like- Gir giving me a headache as he sometimes does.  
It's getting worse every earth minute especially when Zim has- has to- *atishoo* has to make these noises *shivers*_

_Fetch me- something warm!_

_The plan- - can't be foiled _this_ easily..."_

...mothering his ill friend Skoodge shared some intimate moments with Zim when the two snuggled close in order to keep the invader warm.

* * *

**A/N:  
**Here's the update I promised.  
Yes, poor Zimmy is ill. That's why he has to cuddle with Skoodgy. - Aw. They're such a sweet pair.


	7. 8th February

_"Inferior notepad humans call diary!_

_The last days of defective warmth have been horrible, and began to endanger the mission. My subjects don't like coldness, especially not the coldness the Dib caused.  
That is right Dib creature, Zim knows that you have sabotaged the base! On my way through the ventilation shafts I found one of the monkey's hairs. Humans lose hair all the time, and since this one still had a hair root I could prove it to be one of yours._

_CURSE YOU FOR CAUSING ZIM'S ILLNESS!_

_Which leads to the next thing._

_It is still a mystery to Zim how I could catch a cold and sneeze all the time since I have no nose unlike the retarded human beings!  
Plus, how Skoodge knew how to cure this terrible disease was a surprise to me, too. Zim loves hot chocolate now *strokes his own belly at this memory* And fluffy blankets! And- to be close to... *sighs* All the other things an Irken invader doesn't need! Zim is not weak! And Zim does not need Skoodge in any way!"_

_Appendix to the preceding content:_

_*sighs* Maybe Zim needs Skoodge a little...for that warm feeling inside._

* * *

**A/N:**  
Update. Yay!  
Many thanks to...**OutsideThaBox** ^^  
Since this chapter alone doesn't make much sense I can tell you that there'll be another update soon. See ya again then =3


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